Right now, everything is messy. Instead of some kind of grand life experience review, this last year of my 20s has been edging into existential crisis. I’m questioning everything, and not in a rooted, spiritual kind of way, but a wandering in the storm clouds kind of way. My sense of meaning and purpose has all but evaporated. I feel disconnected from most of the people in my life.
I know part of this feeling is the instability of the world. Trump is a presidential nominee. A Stanford swimmer received a mere 6 months of prison for raping an unconscious woman. Climate change continues to wreak havoc on the planet, from drought to pests to seemingly ever extreme natural disasters. A friend told me the other day about a study of children that said 12 year olds are operating with the emotional intelligence of 8 year olds because technology is separating them from learning healthy ways of interpersonal interaction. I am genuinely afraid for our planet.
My own cynicism is part of my unmooring as well, my strange personal alchemy of brain chemicals and habits that constantly toss me between anxiety and depression. I don’t believe in soulmates anymore. Due to personal life circumstances, and the world at large (see above), I am far less idealistic than I used to be. This makes me even more depressed, and then I’m back in the cycle of melancholy and uncertainty.
In the midst of this, I’m trying to remember what makes me feel present, centered, optimistic, joyful. Yoga helps immensely. So does working on my herbalism studies. Dancing. Walks in nature. But I never feel like there’s enough time for any of these things. The demands of cleaningbillschoresemailsworkresponsibilities take over, and days pass with only a perfunctory attempt at soul satisfaction.
I’ve been craving a clean start. I always have an instinct to run away when life feels mired in impossibility. Is this cowardice? Or self preservation?
Listening to: Avicii